Faith or foolishness?

It has been a tough week, in some ways it was one of the best in a long time, but in another it has been one of the hardest in my career. We got some bad news this week about a key commitment that we have been counting on that is not going to come. The reality is that it puts us behind the 8 ball and will ultimately lead to some very painful decisions in the near future. The news has really shaken me deeply. What was one of the highest moments in my life almost a year ago has turned into the lowest valley.

The news hits deep and is a double edged sword in that it shakes my confidence, but it will ultimately have a big impact on the lives of our kids. Not only does it feel like a professional failure, but knowing the cost it feels like we are letting kids down, and that is personal. These are not kids that are statistics, but they are kids that we are deeply connected to and the news will be very personal to some.

There is also the personal embarrassment of realizing that a huge success now becomes a huge struggle. A story that was the cause for confidence and seemed to validate our hard work and a big risk has swung in a whole other direction. As a person of faith, I feel smashed because doing the right thing in the face of big risk feels great when things come together. It would be OK if you took your best shot and failed, but to take the risk and believe that it paid off validates something deep inside, but to have that moment lost, makes the failure so much more painful.

Today as I ponder the past and the future, I can’t help, but feel like a fool. If I could find a cave to crawl into, I would be there for a while. The reality of your limitations and failures can be humbling, but when you feel like your faith was foolishness, it is hard to trust yourself to make any move. Where is that cave?

Here is to hoping that there is still another turn in this tale.